"What would happen if it started raining Tacos"...

...Said a whimsical passenger on our way to Taco Bell. Very rarely do such questions come from a fully grown adult, usually I would expect it from a five year old or a Dr Seuss book.

This question carried a lot of weight, I thought, but I don't think this young-minded college student cared. With glazed eyes and an infinite smile she pictured a world where Mexican food replaced precipitation.

As if reading my mind, she added to the scenario: "But it would happen alongside all the other weathers. Like 'today it's raining, tomorrow is tacos, snow on Thursday.'" As if it clarified anything at all.

"Honestly, that's pretty crazy," I say to my self. "I can... barely imagine that."

 My head was spinning. I could barely get out my complex and well-rehearsed order at the drive through because I could not help but mourn for the millions of poor souls living in South America. They cannot afford the proper Taco-removing equipment to clean the fields for harvest. They will be forced to eat the rotting meat and sub-par lettuce like they were some kind of Animals.

It took me longer than usual to retrieve my $5.67 I keep in my glove compartment because I was praying for the bird populations who struggle to maneuver around the lethal taco shells hailing from the air and starving wolf packs that generally don't like cheese.

I can barely eat my Crunch Wrap Supreme as I question the false deity that sends such a plague to our beloved earth. I picture the malevolent god laughing as he sends a particularly strong shower of Beef to those poor Indians who don't eat it for some stupid reason and a 7 day flood of sour cream.

I take a breath. I've been silently panicking for a while as my passengers speak in whispers as to not send me into a hallucinogenic rage. I need to save face. These are my only friends left.

"Tacos... from the sky." I manage to utter. "What a funny idea."

"I know, right?" Says the woman-child, oblivious to the ulcer forming in my stomach. "People would make small talk like 'Hey, isn't it weird that it never seems to taco outside on Tuesdays? What happened to Taco Tuesday!'"

I chuckle. That was a good one.

9 Reasons Why Political Correctness is Ruining This Country

Political correctness is the worst, trust me. If you don't believe me, just ask a recent poll that found out over 98% of Americans think that political correctness is limiting their freedom of speech. How will we talk about the real issues if literally the only thing we do is discuss what does and doesn't offend some stupid minority. Our analysts have found 9 reasons why PC culture is the number one reason why our country is in decline.



1. It's too confusing.

I never know what to call anybody! Did you know calling a woman a bitch is derogatory? What the hell? Next thing you know some annoying liberal will be up my ass for yelling "TRUMP THAT CUNT" on my morning bus ride.

2. It's ruining free speech.

The first amendment... Let me say that again. The First amendment says that I have a freedom of {goddamn}* speech. I can say whatever I {goddamn}* please, and that's protected by the constitution, you stupid {silly men}*.

* Racist slander censored by Blogspot 

3. It makes Rap music less enjoyable.

Such bullshit that blac - I mean African American artists can say that one word and us white people can't! They say it all the time! We don't tell them not to say anything, except when they say "axe" instead of "ask" or when they try to say "indubitably." Those are the only times we'll speak up, but I mean, come on.

4. Millennials invented it.

Millennials are ruining this country with just about everything they do. They're all bad, even the white ones.

5. It's incredibly time consuming to be racist and funny.

The workload is unbearable for us casually racist folk who just want a good laugh. I can't tell my favorite black joke without first doing extensive research on the person I'm telling the joke to! Only after checking their Facebook and Twitter to make sure they're not some liberal-communist lunatic can I fill them in on the hottest jokes in Oklahoma.

6. Literally everybody I talk to thinks it's stupid

Just look at the polls, people! Look at the majority. Most people think that PC is dumb and doesn't help people. Even if some people like it, more people don't. Democracy says it all, majority rules. By logic, minorities do not rule.  That's just obvious.

7. It forces me to empathize with people from different backgrounds

This might be the most important thing. We need to cut out this empathy nonsense.

8. They're only words!

"Sticks and stones" people. There's nothing simple words can do that leads to hate. There's nothing words to do that will change people's minds. There's nothing words can do that will cause racism. Only violence leads to change.

9. The Civil Rights era is over.

Get over it, already!



(Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. It is not meant to be taken seriously. The writer is very pro PC)

10 Reasons Why Being Funny Makes You Better

Everybody wants to be funny. There are many perks to making people laugh: People like you better, it's easier to talk about stuff, but most importantly, it helps cope with the inevitable fact that we are all going to die. I don't want to get ahead of myself and skip the list, so let's just get into it!

1. You're the life of the party!

Everybody loves a clown, so why not be that clown? Every party needs some laughter, and if you're the one to bring it, then every party is a fun one!

2. Running meetings just got way easier

Nobody listens to their boss... unless they're hysterical! Crack a few zingers at the start of that business meeting to have the laughs (and ideas) start pouring in. Never again will insubordinate workers yell out jokes during your presentation, because you already got it covered!

3. Hide your deep-rooted self esteem issues with humor

Without humor, nobody likes you. Your self esteem will break wide open without people laughing at your thin outer veil of smiles and jokes. Your ego is a feather in the wind, your laughter a feeble breeze trying to keep it afloat.

4. It's a great way to get girls!

Don't know what to say to that gorgeous gal at the party? Try delivering a knee-slapping, gut-wrenching, tear pulling punch line! There's no better way to meet a special friend than by making her laugh so hard that she keels over in pain and cries.

5. Get out of small talk, 30 seconds or less!

Oh crap, it's Steve from high school. He's no doubt going to talk to you for god knows long... How do you get out of it? Simple! Distract him with 3-5 knock knock jokes and he'll be out of your hair in no time!

6. You can successfully distract yourself from crippling loneliness.

It's hard to remember that last time you spoke openly to somebody. You're the funny guy, the easiest person to talk to, but nobody knows who you really are. Your only socializing consists of excessive drinking at dark and crowded bars. Last night you bought a round of shots and everybody cheered your name. Last night, you were late on paying your rent. Instead of crying, you spent three hours on a meme and posted it on twitter. It got twenty likes.

7. You have a career in entertaining ahead of you!

Last night, when you were blacked out, you got onstage at an open mic... and people loved you! You may not be the performing type, but now you know that you could be a successful comedian if you only tried. Isn't that all that matters?

8. You have an arsenal of killer jokes to break out at any moment.

Never know what to say when buying groceries?  If you were funny, then you would have about ten different killer jokes that will make the cashiers day. Here's one for free: If your food doesn't scan try saying "Hey, I guess that makes it free!" Make sure you cover your ears after dropping that bomb, as the entire store will no doubt explode into a deafening blast of laughter.

9. When nobody takes you seriously, you no longer become a person.

The sound of laughter makes you sick. Every cry for help is mocked, every serious moment makes people search for a joke. Every morning is spent looking into the mirror for half an hour in an attempt to scrounge up a redeemable quality. Most of the time, the only compliment you can find for yourself is your humor. Your entire identity is dependent on other people's constant judgement. Your god is every person who hears you make a joke. Failure to make coworkers laugh during your lunch break sends you into a week long, alcohol fueled, hilarious descent into madness.

10. This week you gained 50 twitter followers!

People love you!

What if Donald Trump Killed Himself?

Shit would be crazy.

November 8th can't come soon enough. It feels like everybody on the planet knows who they're going to vote for. Every attack ad that comes out accomplishes nothing in particular, and people are just counting down the days. Now it's just up to the voters, and there's nothing left to do except speculate what would happen if Donald Trump were to quickly end his life following a loss to Secretary Hillary Clinton. 

The first thing you gotta ask yourself is "How is he going to do it?" If you're not already aware, Donald Trump is a billionaire celebrity playboy with a long list of creative tweets, so you know his suicide will be interesting. I suspect he would make it a big televised event, saying it's going to be "The greatest kiss of death the world has ever seen" or "My escape from the manic depressive thoughts that haunt my dreams on a daily basis will no doubt bring jobs back to the American people." It would be entertaining as hell.

And the production value, oh man. Get legendary producer Mark Burnett on the project and this would certainly be some of the most revolutionary television ever made. The Donald already has incredible showmanship from way back in his Apprentice days, so this next project of him taking his own life in a blaze of infamy and shame should definitely bring in big ratings.

Now, I may not be considered one of the "best people" he keeps referring to, but I have a couple suggestions for the republican presidential nominee's upcoming endeavor. First off, don't bring a halt to your existence so early! We may be living in an age of incredible technological advancements, but sadly we lack the ability to film souls damned to an eternity in hell. Until we reach that point, we shouldn't be rushing to get to the end of this whole ordeal.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, so it needs to be done right. If executed correctly, there's no way we won't be in contention for a Golden Globe.

This is how I imagine it.

Episodes one through five we follow Donald on a legendary bender of cocaine and underage sex. In an early season cliffhanger, Trump refuses to pay a 14 year old hooker because she didn't do a good enough job. In the next episode, he successfully sues the pimp.

Episode six, Ivanka gets married. Donald is heartbroken. The entire episode consists of Donald Trump at an open mic, performing slam poetry and crying.

Episode seven through ten follow the Don on a quest to make amends with everyone he's wronged in the past. To make sure the season is finished on time, footage is shown at 12 times speed.

Finally, in the series finale, we see our orange-haired-hero take his final moments in solitude. He takes a picture out of his pocket and holds it to his chest. Ivanka. She is still with him as he looks into the mirror for several minutes. No longer able to look himself in the eyes, he instead looks down at his legally obtained semi-automatic killing machine.

With his last breath he whispers softly to himself...

"You're fired"